The Other Bulgaria

“Hey you, pretty Stanka!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Bulgaria
“Bulgaria does not exist.”
~ Eric of "Just Cool Enough" on Bulgaria
“Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you how to go to the hospital.”
~ Brillat-Savarin on Bulgarian cuisine
“Bulgarians came to the Balkan Peninsula before people.”
~ Bozhidar Dimitrov on Bulgarian history
“A gypsy is like a person, but not quite.”
~ Volen Siderov on Gypsies
“Bulgars have nothing to do with boogers...i think?.”
~ George W Bush on Bulgarians

Bulgaria a mountainous territory consisting mostly of buttocks, is a small bumhole in North-South Europe. It was raped by the Vampire people of antartica to the now well known country Bulgaria), most likely of Dinosauric origin. Bulgaria is the fifth largest factory in the World, after America and Wisconsin. Modern Bulgarians enjoy drinking the local beverages "rakia", "Boza" and vodka (known in Bulgaria as "Voda") and listening to the so called chalga music, a form of gypsy folk, invented by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The western part of Bulgaria as known as a dump, while the Eastern part is known as a stinky junkyard. Bulgaria has the most radiation from nuclear devices per square mile, than the rest of the world put together!

Geography

Bulgaria borders that backstabbing Romalandia to the north, that vodka-drinking Serbia to the west, that nasty Macedonia to the south-west, that sneaky Greece to the south, that vomit-raising Turkey to the south-east and that especially arrogant Black Sea to the east. Bulgaria has always had fine peaceful relations of brotherly love with all of these neighbours, the only exception being the Black Sea. The thing is that Bulgaria and the Black Sea have had a very prolonged and fierce territorial dispute. The predominant belief among Black Sea dolphins is that the fishy smell of the average Bulgarian proves their ichthyo-generic origin and justifies all territorial claims on Bulgaria. Bulgaria, in turn, has claimed the entire bottom of the Black Sea on ethno-historical grounds, as Bulgarian science has shown that the Black Sea dolphins are nothing but Bulgarians who have lost their feet and developed fins. They have been urging the dolphins to abandon their false identity, come out and reveal their true Bulgarian nature, citing the well-known saying "Bulgarian, Arthropod or lying". Recent Bulgarian studies have proved beyond any doubt that, contrary to what had been thought previously, Bulgarians were the absolutely first biological species on Earth, and only after a long and painful development did the first amoebae manage to evolve from them. The Pacific Ocean-based Institute of Bacterial Heritage has contested that claim.

The big city of Sophia is to the north.

Anyhow, the resulting wars have been mostly a failure for Bulgaria, as new and new parts of the shore have been sliding down into the sea. While constant defeats have caused Bulgaria to abandon military means during the last fifty years, the conflict has remained a sore point and mentioning the existence of the Black Sea, as well as wet things in general, is still perceived as offensive in public as well as private discourse.

A geographical map of Bulgaria.
 

History

Bulgarian horseback warriors on the road to Constantinople
 

Until recently, it was not known where the first Bulgarians came from, but new studies suggest that they emerged from eggs, laid by dying dinosaurs in a last attempt to save their species. Professor Jeremy Clarkson of the British Institute of Triassic and Cretaceous History (B.I.T.C.H) states in his studies that the average Bulgarian's bone structure is not unlike that of a 20-meter tall herbivore. He also believes that Bulgarians secretly eat trees and lay eggs, but keep these facts a secret in order to be accepted by human society.

In the 7th century, Bulgarians established their own state by physically beating up Byzantine Emperor Constantine IV and forcing him to give them part of his territory, as well as his lunch box and weekly allowance. In the following centuries, the physically superior Bulgarians continued to beat up everyone who dared question their might. It wasn't long before they realized their dream to conquer vast territories that stretched to the shores of 3 seas. The Aegean sea was used for drinking water, the Adriatic sea was used for urination, and the Black sea was used for defecation, hence the name. The undisputed Bulgarian hegemony in Eastern Europe however, ended in the 14th century, when Bulgarians discovered that rotten fruit makes great alcohol. This resulted in heavy drinking and a hangover that lasted approximately 600 years, a period generally recognized as a blank spot in history. When Bulgarians finally sobered up, it was already 1990, the Black Sea had backed up, and they were living in a puddle of shit.

The situation only worsened when the Bulgarians realized that in their drunken stupor they had signed the Warsaw Pact under the Soviet puppet regime of 1955. In order to make up for this the crafty North American Empire convinced Bulgaria to join them in their crusade against the rest of the world. Bulgaria now happily serves the North American Czar as a member of Not A Terrorist Organization (NATO).

Production

Chips Niki production makes up 87% of Bulgaria's GDP
 

Bulgaria produces some of the world's best known brands - Romika shoes (rebranded as Nike), Elka calculators (rebranded as computers), tomatoes (rebranded as tomatoes) and yoghurt (rebranded as Danone). Bulgaria is also in legal battles with Greece and Turkey over other exports such as white cheese, banitza, chalga and sex slaves. Undoubtedly, Bulgaria is most popular for its outstanding snack foods - Zayo Bayo, Lucky Boy, Crocky, Chipi Chips and Chips Niki. Bulgaria is also the leading manufacturer of hope in the EU with 67000443 metric tons of hope produced annually, mostly by pensioners hoping that their children will return from abroad.

Bulgaria has entered into a program which will make it the number one manufacturer of refrigerators in Europe by 2020. The Bulgarian love affair with the refrigerator began in 1974, when Pavel Doichev, a goat herder from the outskirts of Plovdiv, arranged for a refrigerator to be imported to his farm from Italy by an expatriate cousin. The fridge he imported spent the next four years under lock and key in the Doichev basement, until a local government official caught wind of its existence. The refrigerator was then appropriated by the central government for use by all Bulgarian peoples; it was relocated to Sofia and christened the National Refrigerator. The sharing of space by all Bulgarian citizens was increasingly problematic during the Ice Famine of 1989, after which the government set aside funding for top Bulgarian scientists to study the refrigerator, and learn how to replicate the technology. The first Bulgarian refrigerator prototype was completed in 2001, and a former slaughterhouse in the suburbs of the capital was appropriated as an assembly and warehousing center for the new fridge making operation. Production lines began rolling in 2007, and the country is now producing 47 refrigerators per year. Rumors that the Bulgarians have begun to develop in-door ice-making technology are unsubstantiated. -

Customs

The customs are very pleased to welcome man every time he passes the border. They prefer coffee which can be bought at terminal 2 of the airport. The coffee usually costs $40. Some people protested peacefully, because they had to pay even up to $80 per coffee. Since the acceptance of Bulgaria in the EU, many officers from the customs couldn't feed their children and were forced to sell their mansions. That day was sad for the Bulgarian gray GDP (gross domestic product). Statistics show decrease of terminal 2's coffee prices which led to huge strikes in the American coffee factories. Recent studies suggest that the world's global crisis finds its roots in the factories in question.

Leisure

Bulgaria has a beautiful green countryside with prancing ponies and unicorns. City pubs in Bulgaria are known and often closed down for offering special chemicals to enhance people's sexual organs. Some men become so "excited" that they have to relieve themselves in the toilet, or just outside it.

In the southern areas people tend to be less formal and more friendly. It is not uncommon to see locals bathing in the swamps. If you see these people throwing rocks at storks and urinating on top of their corpses, don't be alarmed. It's called "egret hunting" and you just don't understand it, so back off. If you're a foreigner and people smile and wave at you, don't assume that they're trying to communicate. You just look to them like a piece of tasty meat.

The most valued Bulgarian leisure is philosophy. Bulgarians enjoy immensely engaging in long, deeply philosophical discussions (the three most popular topics are soccer, politics and women) in taverns and basements. Some philosophers usually end up with stab wounds, gunshot holes or other injuries.

Every Bulgarian rightly considers himself an individual political party, soccer team, and rakia factory. Every Bulgarian is a champion at drinking rakia. Bulgarians however, highly disregard the use of serious, dangerous, highly addictive drugs such as Marijuana! GOD FORBID!!! or Saint whoever forgive in their pathetic Orthodox Church. They strongly contribute to the consumption of alcohol in large quantities at any ages because it isn't a drug, it's not addictive, and it's not dangerous. Wow, aren't they the smartest bunch of hypocritical shitty dinosaurs to ever inhabit the planet? Well, at least they think their smart. Anyways, Bulgarian hobbies include fucking their grandma or your grandma, getting into fights for no reason, consuming booze 24/7, listening to chalga, watching pornography, and fashion. Clothing fashion includes wearing as little clothes as possible, even for guys. It's normal for guys to wear tight briefs into their asses on the beaches of the black sea.

Bulgarian music

Original Bulgarian bagpipe
 

The gaida (a bagpipe made from the mutilated corpse of a sheep) is featured in traditional bulgarian music. It truly smells of cheese and emits a tone more beautiful than love itself, or, at least, love with a cheese-scented folk musician. Recently, the gaida has been overtaken by the synthesizer keyboard, which has contributed a certain richness to the traditional folk music, resulting in the divine art of chalga music. Unfortunately synthesizer players are not thought of as sexy as gaida players; in the words of Tsitsa Greshkova (a well-known chalga singer) "I like a bag to squeeze". The gaida is also appreciated by goth women, who find the act of blowing air into a mutilated sheep corpse very arousing.

Bulgaria's national anthem is simply "Bulgaria, Bulgaria, Bulgaria" (repeated 67 times), followed by "We are a moderately hospitable country!".

The country's most successful pop singer is unlikely Englishman Fred 'Calypso' Alston....his first album 'Baba get your kecks on, the chorba is nearly ready' sold upwards of 3 copies and was at the top of the Bulgarian charts for 23 years.......the follow up 'Kolyo stop sticking your nuts in my soup and wine up ya waist' went platinum and grossed..no particular figures here..it just grossed.................Fred is currently working on his next live album provisionally entitled 'Ginka shake dat ting at me, back it up!, back it up!'..........he is due out of rehab in March 2024.

Bulgarian Heroes (Българи юнаци)

Bulgaria is like a factory for heroes, so drink milk and don't forget that Santa doesn't exist.

• John Atanasoff - the first man to discover the computer and subsequently that jerking off in front of one is quite pleasurable.
• The first mythical Bulgarian hero was called Banica. He was born one thousand three hundred thirty-seven years ago and was the first man to ever shoot porn. He currently resides in a Florida retirement community and collects a monthly pension of 2340340349923 US dollars for his one thousand three hundred and seventeen years in the workforce.
• Another famous Bulgarian hero is Batman, also known as Ivan Prilepov. His taste for tight latex clothing forced him to flee in late 1957 from then authoritarian Bulgaria. Since then he's been fighting crime in Gotham city, West Germany. His faithful sidekick, Robin, is actually a young Roma boy Batman picked up as a love companion.
• Mayor of the capital Sofia by day, crime fighter / transvestite by night, Boyko Borisov is one of Bulgaria's heroes. He is known for his tremendous upper body strength and immunity to head injury.
• Tom Cruise is the biggest example of NOT being a Bulgarian.
• Dimitar Berbatov is famous for scoring over 4000 goals in his first minute with Tottenham Hotspur in the Premier League, as well as scoring with over 400,000 British women. He also enjoys scoring off, underscoring, and high-scoring in Pac-Man.
• Uncle Bulgaria. The first bulgarian to ever leave Bulgaria.
• Maya, a famous prostitute from Varna, discovered a miracle cure for pubic lice - having so much sex that even they run away in disgust.
• The most famous pop star in Bulgaria is Pavel Shopov as known as "the deadly moustache" because no woman can resist fainting after a kiss from this man. It was later found out that he had a piece of rancid spaghetti hidden in there.
• Ken Lee (If you live in a hole and don't know who Ken Lee is, look it up on Youtube so that just maybe you won't end up being an ignorant retard for the rest of your life.)
• Vladimir 'The Sausage' Nadenicata was Bulgaria's first major porn star. He appeared in many successful porn films, including 'Terminutter III', 'Enter, the Fist!' and 'Penis-nocchio!'. Tragically, he killed himself at the age of 69 after a skateboarding accident left him with no balls.
• Krasimir Koev. The leader of the Bulgarian horseback warriors.
• Lubaka from Rebirth 22. A famous RAP singer with no official songs published yet. As a descendant of ancient Bulgarian tribe "Haiduti" in the base of his lyrics lays the idea of drinking and camping in the forests with no tents. He was named after Levski (note the first letters of the names is the same) who was so rich, I mean so so rich he even had his own currency, which lately become the only currency in Bulgaria (Lev-ski). Lubaka is also known as a producer. He found and made popular many Bulgarian RAP stars like GP(Гошо от Почивка), Gang Starr, Dr.DRE, etc. Very few people know that the well known singer Dr.DRE sings on playback and the real voice is actually Lubaka's. That's why other Haiduti from Rebirth call him Dre for short.

Cautions

• Take off your watch while in Bulgaria. You should probably leave home everything of any importance to you before visiting Bulgaria. If you are an American president coming from Albania, don't worry - your watch has already been taken care of.
• It is very hard to distinguish the men from the women. Like the men, the women have very deep voices and generally look very masculine.
• Be careful when taking photos in Bulgaria. Bulgarians do not know what a camera is, so when you use it, they'll think you're putting on a funny mask. Never show the photos you've made to a Bulgarian because they'll immediately understand what a camera actually is and steal it.
• Bulgarians throw their trash directly out of their balconies. Never walk too close to residential buildings, because there's a chance you'll be buried in junk and never found again.
• Never try to outdrink a Bulgarian, especially when Rakia is involved. You will die a slow, painful, alcohol fueled death.
• In Bulgaria pedestrians have no rights. If a pedestrian sets foot on the street, drivers speed up. For any pedestrian you run over during the year, you can write off as much as 1000 leva from your taxes. The rule of thumb when you approach a crosswalk in a car is: 1) Speed up and/or rev your engine; and 2) Open the driver's window. This is obviously done so: 1) pedestrians should learn they can't cross the road where it should nor where it shouldn't be crossed; and 2) if a pedestrian shows you an inappropriate gesture, you can do so yourself and return the favor.
• Never go to a football match in Bulgaria. There's about an 80% chance you'll either be killed or severely maimed during such an event. Football is the main cause of depopulation in Bulgaria as spectators either kill each other, or if they're very lucky, get away with being kicked in the balls. Either way, they lose the ability to reproduce, which is probably a good thing.
• Never befriend a Bulgarian for any length of time. They have a very loose set of morals and will happily step on anyone in order to get what they want.

Chalga

When discussing Bulgarian music, one must also mention chalga, which, although not really music, is the most popular musical genre in the country. It could be described as soft porn with vocal accompaniment, since the performers are mostly women, consisting of more silicone than flesh, and some gay men, consisting of more hair gel than body hair. Being gay is a plus, being a gypsy is a plus, and being a gay gypsy can guarantee you immediate success. For a female, having extremely large fake breasts is absolutely all that's needed to become a Chalga super star.

In short, chalga is the ultimate proof of Bulgarians' inherent masochism.

The more extreme variations of Chalga (Turbo Folk, Turko Chalga, Kyuchek) performed by gypsies, are to Bulgaria what gangsta nigga-tzigga rap is to the USA. Entertainment for people with the brain of a teletubby, or medical treatment for the clinically deaf. In short it's the Bulgarian equivalent to manele.

Turko chalga performers all tend to wear silken reddish (olive greenish) suits made in China, towelly socks, mullet haircuts and "knitten" shoes made in Greece and costing up to 3 euros per kilogram.

Usually each "kyuchek" song starts by a short introduction in Turkish or Gypsy language, briefly describing the beauties of a girl with large breasts and of unknown parents. The intro is followed by a melodic tune,pouring out all of the misery poverty, helplessness, hate, disappointment, hunger, thirst, inflammation, and craving for rakia, which extends to more than 6-7 minutes, interrupted only by the occasional sound of a broken bottle/window, dog barks, and fluent swearing.

Such music can only be consumed along with several kilograms of alcohol.

Chalga is actually the most powerful media in the Bulgarian Empire, it can be felt at its best at 'clubs' such as Planeta and Chas Pik (Rush Hour). In the latter, it seems like there is a special show each Saturday with lots of girls dressed in Buckhingam Palace guard uniforms; the female soldiers march waving the Chas Pik flags and then take off their uniforms while dancing kuchek. Watching this awesome show, one can easily figure out that the 500 years of Ottoman rule have surely left their mark, though somehow we've picked up the worst traditions and customs, as always. The ultimate power of the Bulgarian Empire is focused in the hands of the exalted crowd gathered around the female soldiers, their hands holding their cool camera cell phones, decorated to capture the greatness of the Bulgarian Empire with the means of latest technology.

WARNING: This is how the typical chalga listener looks. Please donate a small portion of money for a worthy cause to burn the cheap products used in the picture and potentially unscrew the minds of the helpless.
 

With great chalga influence, Bulgarians developed their own special style. This style is called "nejen feshan". Most nejen feshans deny what they are but still try to look as ridiculous as possible. Being a nejen feshan involves the males to get into from an early age begin to wear: jeans that are so tight that their small penises are protruding, shirts that are 10 sizes small and the sleeves (if there are any) fit like they do on a little girl, they also love to gel up their hair so much that it resembles a pointy triangle or an apartment building, they never take off their shades (indoors or outdoors) which have a 7:1 size ratio with the eyes, and last but not least, they wear other accessories, for example, an earring worn only on the left ear, some cheep necklaces with beads they find on the ground or steal from homeless people, and not to forget the most important element, a bandanna in the color of pink, yellow, or lime green. A habit this kind of people always have are taking pictures of themselves at least 19 times a day and posting them on a social networking sites.

Science

• After they created the Earth, Bulgarians doubled the national science budget to create a new planet where they'd be able to watch football without their wives - Pluto, but it was found too cold for alcohol to stay liquid. For that reason Pluto was abandoned and stripped of the title "Planet".
• In 3495 BC Bulgarian scientists discovered that 2 + 2 is 4. Three years later they proved it might be 5 depending on how many glasses of vodka you have drunk.
• In 833 AD the scientists of the Ruse Alcoholic Krylene Institute of Alcohol (RAKIA) discovered that the human could be sober if not drinking all day. It took five months to prove that condition because the experimental individuals could not be easily persuaded to drink the strange fluid chemical dihydrogen monoxide(water, H2O).
• As a result they proved that dihydrogen monoxide is not poisonous and gave it a shorter name - voda (because it resembles vodka).
• In 917 scientists of the Imperial Institute for Intestine Investigation and Internal Intelligence (IIIIII) discovered that the louder the fart the less it smells.
• In 1785 the Bulgarian Academy of Science, Technology and Revolutionary Discoveries (BASTARD) invented a machine-gun that could be fired by pigs. This resulted in a bloody conflict between white and black pigs that lasted 150 years. White pigs eventually won, which earned them a special place in the human diet.
• In 1974 the Bulgarian National Institute of Fecal Deformities discovered that the shape of the excrement = the shape of the anal canal divided by the density of the stool (Ω=ω/φ)
• On entry to the European Union in 2007 the Ministry for Environment and Water took very seriously it's remit to comply with the 'NATURA 2000' regulations and is well on it's way to meeting it's target. The Minister responsible, Kemal Gotagun, was recently quoted in the press saying 'By the end of this year only 2000 birds will be left in Bulgaria.'

One of the most important resources of Bulgaria is nuclear radiation, because it makes it's people in bulgaria very strong. The amount of radiation the average Bulgarian is summited in one day is enough to kill 2,000,000 normal people. While making it's people strong the radiation makes the people sick of fresh air, making fresh air the Bulgarians #1 enemy.

Language

The Bulgarian language is rather easy (which is the reason why 99% of the population speak Russian or English). However many foreign businessmen only learn one phrase, which they learn from the many young language teachers who frequent the hotels and night-clubs. The Bulgarian language, similar to Russian, consists of forty-seven different consonants. Unlike Russian however, there is one vowel; it is written as ъ and pronounced as "Uh?". While Bulgarian has a large amount of consonants, it does not consist ENTIRELY of consonants like Russian or Czech. This is due to the Great Vowel Airdrop of the 1600s, where unable to pronounce their own language any more, the Bulgarians borrowed some from the Finns, which were then airlifted to Sofia via Santa's flying reindeer. Negotiations with Hawaii are under way to borrow some more vowels, but it is not known if this will be successful.

The easiest part of the Bulgarian language is its grammar, to be more precise: the verbs. There are only seventeen tenses (e.g., present, past, future, imperfect, perfect, almost perfect, possible future, past very long time ago, eternal past, last night but not this morning, future past in the perfect semi-present just to name a few), six so-called verbal aspects (perfective, imperfective, almost perfective, not quite perfective, dogshittive), and ten verbal genders (passive, active, renarrative, dubitative renarrative, conclusive, dubitative conclusive, mathematically challengeable but generally acceptable conclusive, submissive, dominative, forgive). On the other hand, the nouns have no cases, so that's a good thing. The whole of Bulgarian Grammar is presently being analyzed, digested and spat out in the forthcoming 20 volume "Current Trends in the use of the Present Perfect Ridiculous in the Balkan Sprachbund" by Professor  of the University of Somewhere-Unpronounceable-but-Definitely-Balkan.

Interestingly, Bulgarians were the last cyryllic nation to drop Ѧ out of their language.